Before the End
“Anyway, I’m sorry, but that just happens to be how I feel about it! What do you think?” Daniel asked, burning with passionate curiosity.
Jack looked at his spoonful of Froot Loops and sighed. Another time loop. “Here we go again.”
“What?” Daniel replied, “It’s just a question.”
“We’ll discuss it later, Daniel.” Jack abandoned his breakfast and stood up. “Major, could I have a word with you before the briefing, please?”
She joined him as they walked through the halls to his office. “Is something the matter, Colonel?”
Taking a seat, he opened a file in his word processor, quickly typed a few notes, then clicked on the print function. “Yes, there is, Carter. We’ve been stuck in a time loop for a while now. Every ten hours, we start over again at breakfast.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Time loop, sir?”
Wincing at her skeptical tone, he set about explaining. “Look, there’s a briefing soon about P4X-639, a planet where SG-15 found some ruins of the Ancients, and you’re interested in studying the atmospheric phenomena. And no, I didn’t sneak into your lab and read your report.” She began to protest, and he raised one hand in the air. “Ah! Don’t say it! Don’t suggest that Teal’c and I get checked out by Dr. Fraiser. She’s poked at us six times now and never found anything wrong.”
“Teal’c is involved in this as well?”
“Yeah. He and I are the only ones who have any memory of what happens, and so we’ve been learning the language of the Ancients to help Daniel translate the inscriptions on the ruins and find out how to stop the time loop.”
Carter raised her eyebrows. “So why aren’t you doing that right now?”
O’Neill shrugged ruefully. “We decided to take a break for a few loops.” He smirked, and added, “It’s all Daniel’s fault, actually.”
“I’m probably going to regret asking this, but why, sir?”
“Well, we’d been working on the translations for who knows how long, and he made the comment that this was an opportunity for us to do anything we liked, without having to face the consequences of our actions.” He grinned at the memory of the sheer outrage in Hammond’s voice when he and Teal’c were discovered golfing in the gate room.
“So, you’re saying that instead of solving the problem, you’ve been goofing off, sir?” Carter said in disapproval.
Raising his hands defensively, O’Neill replied, “We didn’t think it would hurt too much. It’s just a ten hour loop, Carter, and we’ve been spending at least four or five hours each time convincing all of you that we’re not crazy. Then we have to set up everything in Daniel’s office...” He sighed in exasperation. “Do you know how frustrating it is setting up that damned blackboard each time? Using alien script, then Latin, then English, then having to correct Daniel’s grammar over and over and over? We’re getting close. I know we’re going to solve it eventually, but the closer we get, the longer it takes to get everything set up.”
“Wow. That does sound frustrating.”
“Tell me about it. So we’ve been relaxing just a bit. And within the next loop or so, we’re going to get back to work, I promise.”
“So why are you telling me this, sir?”
At the sight of Carter’s beautiful face, O’Neill found himself at a sudden loss for words. He remembered the time loops where he’d kissed her. The first time she’d pulled away, slapped him, and started yelling that he would ruin their careers. The next time, she had turned away, hurt that he would put her into such a position. So, he came up with the idea of resigning first. That had worked, finally. The memory of pulling her into his arms was intoxicating -- her mouth yielding beneath his as he held her, her soft lips parting and tongue flickering against his. Aware that he no doubt had a ridiculous besotted expression on his face, he forced himself to pay attention to her.
“Teal’c and I have been having some fun, Carter, but I didn’t want to get back to work without doing something important.” He tried to keep his face neutral, but suspected he wasn’t succeeding.
“Assuming I believe you, sir, why are you telling me this?”
“I want you to come play hooky with me, Carter.” He smiled at her and waited for her reply.
“Go AWOL?” she asked him, aghast. “We have our morning briefing in less than twenty minutes!”
“No consequences, Carter. When the next time loop comes around, no one will remember that you left the base, not even you.” She still looked skeptical. “Okay, look, in one of the time loops, you asked me if an energy beam could be a means to access the gate's subspace field in order to create some sort of time inversion outside of subspace. Does that sound like anything that I would know about if I hadn’t already heard you say it?”
She looked at him directly, trying to find any deception in his guileless face. “Sir, if this is a trick, I’m going to conveniently forget any regulations about not striking one’s senior officer.”
“Trust me,” he responded, trying not to be too offended by her answering snort. “So it’s yes?”
She rose to her feet gracefully and smiled at him. “Let’s go, sir.”
He couldn’t contain his grin. Standing up, he took the piece of paper from the printer, placed it in the middle of his desk, and followed her out the door.
* * * *
Turning on the ignition, he looked at Sam, who was fastening her seat belt. “You’re awfully quiet. Whatcha thinking?”
She grinned wickedly. “That you shouldn’t worry, sir. If it turns out that you’re just crazy, I’ll come visit you in the mental ward. I’ll make sure Daniel and Teal’c come, too.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Thanks, Sam. Now drop the sir.”
“Colonel?”
“I left my resignation letter on my desk. I’m not your commanding officer anymore.”
Aghast, she stared at him as he started driving. “Sir, why would you do that? Leave the SGC?”
He shook his head. “Time loop, Carter. The next time around, it won’t have happened.” He focused on the road. “I wanted to be able to talk to you without that hanging over us.”
She looked down at her hands. “I see. Okay, Jack,” she said quietly, testing out his name. “So what’s on the agenda?”
“Entirely up to you, Sam. I do have some suggestions, though.”
“I thought that might be the case. So?”
He braked at the four way stop, then continued down the road away from Cheyenne Mountain. “It’s beautiful out today. We could go hiking. But what I’d really like to do is talk.”
“And hiking and talking at the same time doesn’t work?” she teased him.
He laughed softly. “I want to talk about us, Sam. About what we said we’d leave in the room where Freya interrogated us.”
She exhaled loudly. “Okay, now I’m really starting to believe that this is a time loop.”
“Why?”
She turned towards him, eyes gleaming, a sad smile on her face. “Because otherwise you’d never bring this up. You wouldn’t want to hurt me.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. He reached over and placed one hand on hers. “I wish we didn’t have the jobs we do. If we had desk jobs we could probably find some way to deal with this. And regulations don’t really completely prohibit relationships between officers. It’s just...”
“Our job is dangerous,” she continued his line of thought. “We can’t let our feelings for each other put our missions at risk.” She squeezed his hand. “Which reminds me, Jack. You’ve got to promise me that you won’t risk yourself for me in a hopeless situation again.”
He swallowed, remembering how desperate he’d felt when the Jaffa were approaching. “It’s kind of pointless, isn’t it? You won’t remember any promises I give.”
“But you will.”
“Yes. I promise, Sam.” They both were silent for several minutes, until Jack reached a stoplight. “So, hiking, or...?”
She smiled gently. “Or,” she said. “Definitely or.”
“We don’t have to, you know. We can go hiking, or see a movie, or even return to base, and you can turn me over to Dr. Fraiser. Your decision.”
“Keep driving, okay? We’ll go to your house.”
“And?”
“We’ll talk. Then, if we want to, we’ll act.” Her cheeks turned pink.
“You’re really okay with this, Sam?” He raised her hand to his lips and pressed a kiss against her fingers.
“Well, if I’m not, I’ll only have to live with it for about nine more hours, right?”
* * * *
Sam toyed with her empty coffee cup. “So.”
Jack raised his eyebrows. “So, now we talk, right?” She nodded. “Is it too much to ask that you sit beside me while we talk?” He patted the sofa cushions, hoping she would join him.
She sat stiffly upright in her chair, looking somewhat uncomfortable. “I’m a little nervous,” she confessed.
“Really. I never would have guessed,” he teased.
She dropped her gaze to her lap, then looked up at him once more. “When you did first realize this? About us, I mean.”
He shrugged, thinking. “It kind of crept up on me. I wasn’t planning on falling in love with anybody. Maybe after that other Carter and Kawalsky came through...”
She frowned, remembering. “Yeah. That was weird.”
“Guess ten thousand alternate realities can’t be wrong, huh?” He ran his fingers through his hair and sighed. “When Daniel had told me about the previous one he’d been in, I didn’t want to believe him. It seemed so... so cliched, that there had to be something between us here just because in other realities we were an item.”
“Yes,” she replied quietly. “It made me feel a bit forced, you know? Like our choices didn’t count for anything. We were fated, or some other such nonsense.” She put the cup onto the floor, knowing that if she kept fiddling with it, she’d likely break it.
“But we live under different circumstances, Sam. We’re not them. And I fell in love with you anyway.”
At the pleading look on his face, she rose from her chair and sat beside him. One of his arms automatically embraced her and she leaned against him, resting her head against his chest. “You’ve never actually said those words to me before. I like them.”
“Yeah.” He tightened his arm against her back, and kissed the top of her head. “This is much nicer than the interrogation room.”
“Don’t remind me. That was a bad situation all around.”
“I know,” he whispered, remembering how devastated she’d been by Martouf’s death, and how uncomfortable they’d been during their re-testing, phrasing their words into careful neutrality.
“I just don’t know how we’re going to handle this in real time,” she said, running one hand across his chest. “It’s harder now, with both of us knowing how the other feels.”
“I know,” he repeated, not really concentrating on her words, but rather the feeling of her pressed against him. “Sam,” he murmured against her hair, “I’ve wanted you for so long now.”
She shivered at the restrained passion in his voice. “Really?” she replied, “How long would that be?”
“Well, I came close to grabbing you and going at it on the conference table the day we met, but I didn’t think General Hammond would have been too impressed-- hey!”
She withdrew her fist from his ribs, after delivering a sharp poke, then laughed. “I love you, Jack.”
“I have no idea why, but I’m glad, Sam.”
She reached up with one hand, bringing his head closer to her own. “Because you’re you,” she whispered, and kissed him softly. “I couldn’t help it.”
Jack groaned, and tightened his arms around her, returning her kiss. This was much, much better than talking. Her lips opened underneath his, and she nipped at his lower lip sensually. He closed his eyes and concentrated how wonderful it was that she was finally here with him, in his arms.
Pulling back slightly, he caught his breath and stopped her when she leaned forward once more. “Sam?”
She pouted, not wanting to stop. “Enough talk, Jack.”
“No, just wait a minute.” He caressed her cheek gently. “I wanted you to know something. I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of you here. You’re not going to remember this, but that doesn’t mean this is casual, Sam.” His face was completely serious. “It’s not.”
“If I didn’t already know that, Jack, I’d have never left the base.” She kissed him once more, then smiled again.
“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, as she twisted in his arms. He leaned back on the couch as she stretched out on top of him, their legs tangling together. She captured his mouth again, and he began tugging her shirt free from her pants. She looked at him, smirked, then pulled her shirt over her head in one swift movement, tossing it to the floor. Sighing, he began exploring the wonderful smooth skin of her back as she turned her attention to his neck, while her hands began freeing his shirt as well.
They both sat up momentarily, she to shrug off her bra, while he took off his shirt as well, then loosened his belt. He embraced her again, gasping at the feel of her against his skin.
“God, Jack,” she moaned, leaning her head back.
He took the hint, and ran his lips over her neck. “Should I stop?”
She shuddered as his tongue grazed her ear, and wrapped her arms around him. “Not if you value your life.”
* * * *
Hours later, they lay in bed, cuddling beneath the blankets and catching their breath.
“Not bad for an old guy,” she teased him, her hand playing with his chest hair.
“Mmmm,” he agreed, sighing contentedly. “Let’s see, we used the couch, the kitchen table, and now the bed. Anywhere else you feel like exploring?”
“You said you had a Jacuzzi, right?” He nodded, eyes closed. “Maybe later. Right now, I could stay in this bed for the rest of my life and not miss anything.” She snuggled closer against him and yawned.
“You’re not hungry?” They’d grabbed a few things from the refrigerator earlier. It was a good thing time was going to loop, because otherwise he didn’t know how long it would take to clean all the chocolate syrup off the counters.
“Not for food,” she smiled.
“You’ll have to give me some recovery time here, Sam. I’m a man, not a robot.”
“Hmm,” she murmured. “Maybe I need to find a way to open the Stargate on Harlan’s planet again. I bet your robot clone wouldn’t have this problem--” she shrieked as he began tickling her in retribution. “Jack! Stop!”
He relented and held her close once more. “Well, at least I’ve finally found out where your mole is. Do you know how frustrating that was, wondering about that for so long?”
She giggled a bit more, then relaxed. “You’re certain that I won’t remember any of this?”
He propped himself up on one elbow, and looked at her regretfully. “Yeah. You’ll forget.”
Closing her eyes, she sighed, then leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Then you’ll have to remember for both of us. Okay?”
“I won’t forget. I couldn’t.”
She smiled up at him, then drew him down into her arms. “How much time do we have left?”
“Enough time for a bath, if you’d like.”
“Good.” She sat up, then stood, unashamed of her nakedness. “Lead on.”
He got out of bed, taking her hand and guiding her towards the bathroom. “Bubbles?”
Grinning, she nodded. “Sounds like fun. Just make sure the water’s not too hot, though. I wouldn’t want you so relaxed that you couldn’t satisfy me-- HEY!” she yelped, as his hand delivered a firm spank to her behind.
“It’s not safe to taunt former Special Forces guys,” he growled sternly. “Am I going to have to discipline you again?”
It would have been much more impressive, he reflected later, if she hadn’t collapsed in laughter at that point.
* * * *
“Oooooh! Oh, God, Sam, yes! Right there. Now lower,” he gasped. “Harder. Just... there. Don’t stop...”
She kept kneading his back with her fingers, leaning forward to kiss his bare shoulder. “Good?”
“Aaaaah,” he moaned. “How am I ever going to live without this?”
She grabbed a washcloth and started scrubbing it across his back and neck. “Well, you could always just ask me for a back rub sometime. I don’t think that counts as fraternization.”
“Don’t tempt me,” he sighed.
She wrapped her arms around him, pressing herself against his back as they relaxed in the bubbling water. “I know. This could be the only time we ever get to do this.”
“Sam, I love you so much.” He turned in her arms so they were face to face again.
“And I love you.” She closed her eyes and bit her lip. “I wish that could be enough, but given who we are and what our jobs are, I can’t say that it is.” She caressed his damp hair, tears brimming in her eyes. “My job is important to me. I love you, but I can’t give up who I am just so we can be together right now.”
He brushed his thumbs under her eyes gently. “And I wouldn’t ask you to.” He swallowed, trying to banish the lump in his throat. “I just didn’t think it would be so hard, knowing that I have to lose you again.” Brushing his lips across her throat, he asked, “Do you want me to tell you about this someday?”
She wiped her eyes, hugging him back. “Maybe. I’ll let you be the judge of whether it’s appropriate. We might decide in the future that the time will never be right. But that doesn’t mean that right now, I don’t love you.” She choked back a sob, trying to keep her composure. “Because I do.”
He knelt in the water, holding her against him, his own tears on her shoulder. He wanted to concentrate every sensation and feeling, to make it intense enough that he would remember every detail. “There’s not much time left, Sam. Let’s not waste it with regret, all right?”
She nodded, trembling, then raised her head, tears still glistening on her cheeks. “All right.” Her mouth was soft and warm against his, gentle and sweet. “If you want to repeat this time loop before you go back to work, I won’t get mad at you.”
He laughed softly. “Well, you can’t really promise me that, because each time we start back at the beginning. You could turn me over to Janet next time.” He shuddered, imagining being at Fraiser’s mercy again. That woman had a thing for needles. Scary. “I also think that if I repeated this more than once, it would be treating it like a game. And you’re too important to me for that, Sam.”
Her smile was so brilliant he could barely stand to look. That she could love him so much -- him, an older man, bitter and sarcastic and not very nice? What had he done to deserve her?
She kissed him once more, and he realized that he had spoken his last thought aloud. “I don’t think it’s a matter of deserving love, Jack. It’s just accepting that it’s there.” He closed his eyes again, praying that he wouldn’t start weeping in her arms. “Don’t tell me how much time is left, okay? I don’t want to spend any of it worrying about when it’s going to run out.”
Gently, she pushed him back into a sitting position, and began covering his chest and shoulders with erotic kisses. His head fell back against the edge of the tub, and his back arched as he felt the beginning stirrings of arousal for the fifth time that day. There wouldn’t be time to make love to her again, and he forced his head back up to look at her, her strong lean body against his in the water, her damp hair slicked back, and her blue eyes glowing with love as she met his gaze one last time before the end--
* * * *
“What are you smiling at?” Carter’s expression was inquisitive, her eyes narrowing in the suspicion that maybe her shirt was inside out, or a zit was beginning on her chin.
O’Neill just smiled faintly, remembering. Sweet memory. Here’s praying he never got Alzheimer’s, because for now, perhaps for always, the memory was all he had. She was so beautiful. God, he loved her.
“Nothin’.”