Hapless, Helpless, Hopeless or “Oh, Daniel, why is it always you?”

Author’s Notes: I’ve seen some “episode re-write” fanfics out there and felt compelled to try my hand at one as well. In this fic-universe of my creation we’ll be spared the never-ending tedium that was Forever in a Day, Maternal Instinct, and Absolute Power, aka the Trilogy of Terror. Ugh! Can’t we just pretend those episodes never happened and we saw something much more interesting in their places? Besides, Sha’re deserved better. This story is lovingly dedicated to those fans who thought the entire Harsesis storyline was the dullest thing TPTB ever thought up. Given how... dedicated some of Daniel’s fans are, I questioned the wisdom of posting this, but heck, the email lists have been slow of late. Thanks to Ann and Alli for the beta-reading. Regarding some of the technical details, I have no idea what it is the SGC uses to disable locks -- one person said C4, another said magnesium strips. If anyone knows for certain, I’d love to find out.

* * * *

Teal’c was struck with confusion upon opening his eyes. He’d been asleep. More accurately, he’d been unconscious. And now he found himself in the infirmary, lying on a narrow bed, not knowing how he’d come to be there.

“Teal’c... buddy.” O’Neill’s voice was soft and pleased. “I was wondering when you’d finally wake up.”

Teal’c sat up carefully, noting the slight pull of sore muscles in his side, as well as the sense that his symbiote had near-exhausted itself in healing him. He would need to meditate for a long period of time -- but not until he had some answers.

“I do not understand, O’Neill,” he stated bluntly. “I do not recall why I should be here.” A quick glance over at his friend revealed that O’Neill’s left arm was in a sling. “And I have no memory of you being injured either.”

“Humph. Not too surprising,” O’Neill mused. “I kind of wish I could forget it as well. It’s been a hell of a few days.”

His friend’s tone was bitter. Teal’c cast his gaze further across the infirmary, discovering that Major Carter and Daniel Jackson also occupied beds. Both were asleep. There was faint bruising along Major Carter’s forehead and cheeks, as well as bandages on her arms. Daniel Jackson appeared uninjured, but the presence of monitors and an IV drip indicated that he surely must have internal injuries.

“What has transpired?” he asked. “The last thing I recall was killing Ammonet.”

O’Neill did a double take. “You? Teal’c, you didn’t kill Ammonet.”

Teal’c shook his head. “I am certain that I did. We were on Abydos, and Ammonet was torturing Daniel Jackson with a hand device. To save his life, I was forced to kill her.” He gave a heavy sigh. “In doing so, I also killed Sha’re, Ammonet’s host and Daniel Jackson’s wife. I would give much to have done otherwise, but there was no choice.”

O’Neill looked at him in amazement. “Doc!” he called out, gaining the attention of Dr. Janet Fraiser, the chief medical officer. “Can you come over here? I think Teal’c’s injuries were worse than we thought.”

The petite doctor hurried over, and quickly began examining the Jaffa. “Why do you say that, Colonel? He seems to have made a complete recovery.”

“Indeed, I believe myself to be in good health, Doctor Fraiser. But my recollection of events does not match that of O’Neill. How did I come to be here?”

She peered into his eyes. “You were brought back through the Stargate from Abydos, Teal’c. You’d been shot three times in the upper torso. You’re lucky to be alive.”

The Jaffa looked confused. “I have no memory of such an event. Who caused my injuries?”

O’Neill winced. “Daniel,” he said tersely, looking over at the unconscious archaeologist.

“Why would he do such a thing? Was it an attempt for revenge after I killed Ammonet?” He had hoped that Daniel would understand the necessity of his actions, but in his grief and anguish, perhaps his young friend had momentarily identified Teal’c as an enemy and struck out at him?

O’Neill clenched his uninjured hand into a fist. “Teal’c, like I told you, you didn’t kill Ammonet. Daniel did! He’s the one responsible for all of our injuries.”

Teal’c stared at O’Neill in confusion as Fraiser moved to check on other patients. “I think,” he said slowly, “I must ask you to tell me everything that has happened so I might understand. We were on Abydos, were we not?”

“Yes,” O’Neill began. “We’d gotten word, supposedly from Kasuf, that he needed help. When we got there, Ammonet and her Jaffa were waiting for us. They’d captured a bunch of Abydonians as bait.”

“That is as I recall,” Teal’c supplied helpfully.

“Yeah. Anyway, we were holding our own in the fire fight against the Jaffa. You and Carter kicked ass, by the way,” his commander told him with pride. “We were outgunned, outnumbered, and you saved our sixes. I’ve recommended both of you for commendations.”

“What of the hostage Abydonians?”

O’Neill winced again. “They’re dead.”

“How?”

“They’d been locked up in a stockade. When Daniel placed the charge against the lock to free them, he used C4 instead of the magnesium strips. Way too much C4. And he forgot to tell the hostages to stand clear.”

“Which...?”

“Blew them to hell, basically,” O’Neill explained. “If Daniel hadn’t run after Ammonet before the timer went off he’d have died, too. We managed to identify about half of the bodies. Kasuf and the boy were among them. Carter also got banged up in the explosion. She’s got a severe concussion, wounds all along her arms, and three broken ribs. We’re lucky she didn’t die as well. She’s going to be out of commission for a few weeks.”

“So the Harsesis child is dead?”

“We’re pretty certain. Doc’s doing an autopsy on the child. He was just a baby,” O’Neill stated, frowning. “But she can do a DNA test to see if he’s Sha’re’s child. We’ll have the results in a few days. But it looks conclusive.”

Teal’c stared at him in amazement. “Continue. What happened next?”

O’Neill ran a hand through his greying hair. “SG-9 cleaned out the rest of the Jaffa and dialed Earth to evacuate the casualties and the wounded. Daniel went charging after Ammonet. You and I followed.”

“To her tent?”

“Yeah. Daniel had his gun out. When he got there, he tripped on something and went sprawling. The gun went off and the bullet hit Ammonet.”

“Which killed her?” At O’Neill’s nod, Teal’c frowned. “I did not think a mere gunshot wound could kill a goa’uld.”

“Lucky shot, I guess,” he replied with dark humor.

“Did Sha’re emerge before the death of both host and goa’uld?”

“She did,” O’Neill acknowledged in surprise. “How do you know this, Teal’c?”

“It seems that some of my recollections are true, O’Neill. She professed her love for Daniel Jackson before her death, did she not?”

“Um... no, actually,” he winced. “She told him he’d always been the biggest klutz she’d ever known.”

Teal’c nodded thoughtfully. Not the most polite words to speak as one was dying, but apparently quite accurate. “And how did we come to be injured?”

“When we came into the tent, Daniel thought we were Jaffa. He opened fire on us before realizing who we were.” O’Neill rubbed at his wounded arm and gritted his teeth. “I guess we’re lucky that his shooting skills aren’t the most accurate in the world, but he did enough damage. I took a bullet in the arm, and he plugged you three times in the chest.”

Teal’c raised an eyebrow. “That level of precision would indicate a fair degree of accuracy, O’Neill.”

“Well, not exactly. He was aiming for our heads. Anyway, when he realized what he’d done, he went into shock. By the time we all got back here, he was catatonic. Doc’s got him drugged at the moment. She’s hoping that a day or so of rest will help bring him out of it.”

“Indeed,” Teal’c noted dispassionately. “What transpired is quite different from my recollection of events.” Perhaps it had been some evil dream sent by his symbiote. Teal’c knew all too well that the creature within him regarded all Jaffa with contempt from the first moment of its awareness -- such a trick would not be beyond its abilities.

In any case, although what had taken place was truly lamentable, he couldn’t suppress a small glimmer of satisfaction. Things had gone terribly wrong, but none of it had been his fault.

“Other than shock, was Daniel Jackson injured?”

O’Neill winced. “Just a little bit. During the first part of the battle, a Jaffa got off a staff blast at him, and it struck him in the feet. His toes are pretty badly burned. They’ll probably be scarred, despite Doc’s treatment.”

Teal’c merely shook his head. More than once, he had overheard some nurses in the infirmary exchanging comments that indicated they found Daniel Jackson’s toes to be exceedingly attractive. In his own opinion, they appeared no more or less distinctive than anyone else’s toes, but perhaps this was yet another odd Tau’ri custom.

“Well,” O’Neill stated, “Doc Fraiser can do another head exam on you, but I’d guess that the shock of your injuries just gave you some weird nightmares.” He gave Teal’c a reassuring pat on the shoulder, then stood, stretching his legs.

“What are your duties now, O’Neill?”

The other man scowled. “I’ve got another mess to deal with. Daniel’s apartment got trashed while we were off world.”

Teal’c looked at him in concern. “Intruders violated his home?”

O’Neill snorted in disgust. “Nope. It’s that damned kitten he bought a few weeks ago.”

“Bastet.” Teal’c’s skin prickled in remembrance. The tiny creature had a formidable set of claws and a boundless enthusiasm for using them.

“Yep. A cat was just the ideal pet, he told me. He could leave it food and water, and it could look after itself if he couldn’t get home for a few days.” O’Neill’s voice was savage with disgust. “Anyway, ninja-kitty got bored being all alone, and knocked over just about every fragile artifact that Daniel’s been collecting ever since he was an under grad. I don’t even want to know how much all those things cost. After that, she went after his bookshelves.”

Teal’c recalled Daniel scolding the kitten after it had knocked some of his books over. Apparently, she had enjoyed the activity enough to discount any punishment. “The books?”

“Shredded, most of them, “ O’Neill replied. “Knocked over, spines broken, the paper clawed and chewed. The place looks like a demon-possessed paper shredder went on a rampage.”

“Perhaps this will be a lesson to Daniel Jackson, that he ought to care for his animals more carefully.”

O’Neill shuffled his feet. “Um, not really.”

“Why is that, O’Neill?”

“Because he doesn’t have any more animals to take care of now.”

“To what do you refer?”

“Well, after trashing the bookshelves, the artifacts, and every potted plant he had, Bastet went after the fish tank.”

Teal’c frowned -- he knew that Daniel Jackson took great pleasure in his fish. “The kitten ate all of them?”

“Yeah.”

“I thought there was a lid on the fish tank to prevent such an occurrence.”

“There was. But she managed to knock it over somehow.” O’Neill held up his hand to forestall Teal’c’s question. “And no, I don’t know how a kitten that weighed less than a feather managed to knock over a fifty-gallon fish tank. She must have been very talented. Luckily, the carpet got most of the water, so the apartment below Daniel’s didn’t get a leaky ceiling.”

The use of past tense did not escape Teal’c’s attention. “What was Bastet’s fate?”

O’Neill gave a disgusted grimace. “Looks like she choked to death on a fish bone. God, the place stank to high heaven when I went over there to check on things. Anyway, I’m going to go supervise the rest of the cleanup, since Fraiser says Carter could be out cold for another twelve hours or so. I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he said, giving Teal’c an affectionate slap on the shoulder. “Just let Fraiser check you out again to figure out why you had such odd dreams. And give me a call if either of them wake up.”

“What of Daniel Jackson?”

“Our own walking karmic disaster-magnet?” O’Neill asked wryly. “Oh, he’ll pull through this eventually. And once he does...” his voice trailed off into silence as he grinned fiercely.

“You have plans?”

“Well, first off I’m going to give him some time to deal with what happened to Sha’re while we’re recuperating from getting in his line of fire. But once things are more or less back to normal, he’s going to undergo some extra training programs that will make boot camp look like an amusement park.”

Teal’c felt a pang of sympathy for the hapless archaeologist, then ruthlessly suppressed it. It was indeed a shame about his wife, but nonetheless, this time, Daniel Jackson had earned his fate. He nodded in farewell as O’Neill strode out of the infirmary, then walked over to his friends. Standing between their beds, he first pressed his hand against Major Carter’s, whispering reassurances to her that she would be well soon, and he was proud to have stood by her in battle.

Turning to Daniel Jackson, he shook his head. The drugs Doctor Fraiser had administered would keep him unconscious for some time yet. “Enjoy your rest while you may, Daniel Jackson,” he murmured softly. “I fear it will be the last you have for quite some time.”

--fin.